What does one do with a movie like 1982’s “Mortuary”?

It’s kind of like an NBC Movie of the Week from the same era albeit with more violence and nudity. (There’s actually a bordering-on-pornographic love scene.) Like those TV projects, “Mortuary” has the same flat camera work, the same dubious plot construction, and the same wooden acting. (One character really deserves an award for being completely unperturbed. Whether it’s dealing with his stolen van, preparing to have sex with a beautiful woman, or facing down a homicidal maniac, he barely raises an eyebrow.

The plot is meaningless. Girl sees father killed, then murders happen, blah blah. The actual mortuary setting doesn’t play much of a part.

Of note: a young Bill Paxton has a prominent role and does quite well (he does emote; you see hints of the Chet character he would later bring to life in “Weird Science.”)

It’s not a complete waste. The villain is kind of a hoot, and the film picks up some entertaining weirdness in the final scene, as Mozart Eine kleine Nachtmusik blares on the soundtrack.

There’s also a great bit of dialogue, where one character looks lovingly at another and says, “I’m going to embalm you. It won’t hurt.”